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How to Criticize… With Love
“When I say anything the least bit critical, she gets defensive and counter-attacks. If I can’t say what’s bothering me, how can things get better between us?”
It’s a dilemma I encounter often in my work with couples. How can we, as partners in a marriage, give critical feedback that will produce positive change and nourish our marriage?
Criticism is tough to hear. It’s anguishing to deliver. When criticism is experienced as attack, communication breaks down and conflicts stay unresolved. Yet, when delivered and received with love, criticism is a rare gift. It provides a glimpse of how others experience us. It can be the “shake” we need to grow.
So, how does one deliver criticism with love?
To which of these messages would you respond more favorably?
“You are so inconsiderate. I have asked you a hundred times to put your dishes in the dishwasher. You never listen. I do all the work around here and I’m sick of it.”
Or:
You’re a terrific husband, a fabulous father and a great breadwinner. You work hard and I know you’re tired at the end of the day. I feel frustrated, though, when dishes are left around, because a clean house is important to me. I’m not expecting perfection, but I’d appreciate it so much if you’d make it a priority to put your dishes into the dishwasher.”
I’m betting you chose the second message.
When criticism is experienced as an attack, we tend to go back to the feelings we had when scolded as a child: vulnerable, blamed and scared of punishment.
When feeling under attack, we have two choices:
Fight…
Counter-attack! We make ourselves big, loud, and scary. We get so caught up in refuting the charges or in attacking back, that we can’t hear whatever truth is in the message. Instead of functioning like the partners we are, we turn into adversaries, each trying to win.
…Or Flight
Retreat! We’re afraid of the confrontation, can’t stand feeling “bad”, so we remove ourselves emotionally. Retreat is counter-productive in a relationship, because it leaves us feeling more like strangers than partners.
Equally common though non-productive is to cave-in under the weight of the attack. Cave-inners try too hard, out of fear, to please their partner. Subservient on the surface, they are secretly resentful toward their partners.
Neither fight nor flight is likely to produce a happy, healthy relationship. Far more productive is sitting tight and learning how to work through your conflicts. That means, among other things, learning to criticize with love.
Next: Strategies for Criticizing With Love / Home
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All information on this web site is intended for your general knowledge only and is not a substitute for medical, psychological or psychiatric advice or treatment for specific conditions. You should seek prompt care for any specific medical or mental health issues. |
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Clinical Psychologist |
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Geraldine Merola Barton, Ph.D. |
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Copyright 2000. Geraldine Merola Barton, Ph.D. All rights reserved. |