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How to Criticize… With Love
Strategies for Criticizing With Love
1. First, approach your partner with a loving attitude.
If you keep your attitude loving, your criticism is more likely to be experienced as loving.
2. Give 9 compliments for every complaint.
We can take criticism better when we feel loved and admired by our partner. When a couple regularly treat each other with affection and respect, a reservoir of good will is created which is a cushion in times of conflict and critical feedback.
3. Before criticizing, ask yourself, “Will this help or hurt our relationship?”
If in doubt, don’t say it, or say it another way.
4. Do not criticize in anger.
No shouting, name-calling, sarcasm, insults or violence!
5. Criticize as little as possible.
Practice letting go of things that bug you. Before making an issue of it, ask yourself, “If this worth complaining about?
Here is a wonderful exercise to develop the skill of differentiating what irritations are truly important. Agree that for a week, neither of you will criticize. Instead, both write down everything bothersome the other does. At the end of the week, privately go over your lists and cross off everything that no longer seems worth bothering about. Meet with your partner and use loving criticism to discuss the important matters. You may be amazed at how petty many of the irritations seem after the passage of time.
6. Stay loving.
Use criticism to grow the relationship, never to win points or punish your partner.
7. Ask permission to criticize.
Give your partner the option of hearing it at another time. Do not criticize when your partner is tired or down.
8. Begin a criticism by affirming things your partner is doing that you like.
It’s easier to hear critical feedback when we feel admired, understood and appreciated by the person delivering the feedback.
9. Make your point in as few words as possible.
The longer you talk, the more overwhelmed, battered and resistant your partner will feel. Stop if you hear yourself lecturing, nagging or repeating.
10. If you have a history of misunderstanding each other with spoken words, consider offering your criticism in a letter or email.
Example: One couple handled critical discussion well over the phone although they had difficulty in person.
Next: Strategies for Criticizing With Love / Home
All information on this web site is intended for your general knowledge only and is not a substitute for medical, psychological or psychiatric advice or treatment for specific conditions. You should seek prompt care for any specific medical or mental health issues. |
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Contact Dr. Merola: |
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Geraldine T. Barton, Ph.D. Phone: 845-338-3250 159 Green Street Email: drgmbarton@drgmbarton.com Kingston, NY 12401 |
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Clinical Psychologist |
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Geraldine Merola Barton, Ph.D. |