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How to Criticize… With Love
Strategies for Criticizing With Love
11. Only criticize specific behavior. Never attack character.
Say, “I understand that you are concerned about our budget… I am, too, but I felt embarrassed when you didn’t tip the waiter.” not “You are so cheap.” Show that you love and admire your partner even when you object to his behavior.
13. Use specifics and recent examples.
Don’t drag in ancient history. Don’t say “you always” or “you never.” Instead, stick with one or two incidents. Otherwise, you’ll both get caught up in too many details and nothing will get resolved.
14. If your partner admits to a mistake, don’t beat her over the head with it.
Feeling safe helps us to admit a mistake or fault. Use the admission against your partner, and you may never get another one.
15. Describe a solution.
What specific changes would you like? Ask your partner for possible solutions. Be ready to hear how you can change as well.
Don’t say, “I’d you to be more loving.” Instead, describe behaviors that would feel more loving, such as, “I feel loved when you make eye contact while I am speaking.”
16. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
An “I” statement focuses on the effects of another’s behavior on me. A “you” statement focuses on blaming the other person and is more likely to be experienced as an attack. For example, say “I felt worried and angry when you didn’t call to say you’d be late.” Don’t say, “You are so inconsiderate! How can you forget to call!”
17. Avoid using threats when complaining about your partner’s behavior.
Threats of retaliation, violence, divorce, or taking away the kids or the money, only generate fear, mistrust and result in withdrawal or counter-attack.
18. Set a regular time to air grievances.
Call a safe place during that time, where you will be fully receptive to each other.
This accomplishes a few things. First, you’ll have time to choose which annoyances are worth bringing up and to practice letting go of the rest. Second, you can relax and enjoy your time together, assured of a time and place to “safely” air grievances. Third, by regularly discussing what’s bothering you, things are less likely to build up ending in explosions or distancing.
Try to schedule special, fun and/or intimate time afterward.
19. Agree on a code word to use when one partner has reverted to criticizing in a non-productive way.
Find a code word that has a special meaning for you both. If the code word is funny, so much the better. The rule is, as soon as the code word is said, the criticizer stops and tries it another way!
Next: Receiving Criticism With Love
All information on this web site is intended for your general knowledge only and is not a substitute for medical, psychological or psychiatric advice or treatment for specific conditions. You should seek prompt care for any specific medical or mental health issues.
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Geraldine T. Barton, Ph.D. Phone: 845-338-3250 159 Green Street Email: drgmbarton@drgmbarton.com Kingston, NY 12401 |
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Clinical Psychologist |
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Geraldine Merola Barton, Ph.D. |