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You Asked...
Q: I think my wife is having a pretty tough time because it is the holidays and her mom's birthday, and her mom died in November 1998. Any particular thing I should be doing to help her? I'm trying to show some empathy, but I'm not sure what else I should be doing.
A: There's nothing anyone can do, of course, to take away someone else’s emotions associated with grieving. These emotions are a normal and healthy part of the process of grieving. They may seem to subside with time, only to recur “out of nowhere.” Commonly, an event or a time of year trigger them. The anniversary of a death is often a trigger for a wave of sadness and thoughts of the loved one. It can be especially difficult if the death occurred around the holidays.
Accept that there is not much you can do, in the sense of action behaviors; however, there is plenty you can do to be supportive of your wife’s moving—in her own time—through the grieving process. Listening is the best thing you can do. That involves: (1) eye contact; (2) acknowledging what your wife is saying, whether with words (e.g., "I know you miss her" / "She was a wonderful mom" / “I am here for you.”) or actions (e.g., a squeeze of the hand/hug/backrub, maybe a special card or flowers. Ask your wife about her memories of her mom. In her presence, you could tell the children a nice anecdote about their grandma, or encourage your wife to tell some anecdotes. You could donate money in her mom's memory. You can ask what you can do to help (although the answer may likely be "nothing."
Don’t tell her it's been two years now, and she should be over it. Don’t show impatience. Don’t try to "fix" your wife by telling her what to do to cheer up.
All information on this web site is intended for your general knowledge only and is not a substitute for medical, psychological or psychiatric advice or treatment for specific conditions. You should seek prompt care for any specific medical or mental health issues. |
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Copyright 2000. Geraldine T. Merola, Ph.D. All rights reserved. |
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Geraldine T. Barton, Ph.D. Phone: 845-338-3250 159 Green Street Email: drgmbarton@drgmbarton.com Kingston, NY 12401 |
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Contact Dr. Merola: |
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Clinical Psychologist |
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Geraldine Merola Barton, Ph.D. |